I am working with Mark Treddinnick's 'Little Red Writing Book'.  I love it. Mark has a special gift for making the art of writing come alive in ways I have not encountered before. So personal, so funny, so clever, so wise, so rich it's like a fine-dining experience with a very good friend.

Trying one of the assignments set fledgling writers I found myself expounding on a topic that I realised has always been at the core of who I am.  I am not sure whether it is good writing but I believe the thoughts are worth sharing.

The Basis of a Good Relationship

44 years ago I stood at the altar next to my fiancé and in response to his identical words I publicly stated

I ask everyone here present to witness that I, L, take you, R,  to be my lawfully wedded husband

 to have and to hold from this day forward

for better for worse

for richer for poorer

in sickness and in health

to love and to cherish

as long as we both shall live.

 All I am I give to you

And all that I have I share with you

This is my solemn vow.

 44 years later I realise that an essential word was left out of those vows.

 Nowhere was the word TRUST used.

TRUST - the most basic of all characteristics in any relationship was never mentioned in a ceremony which in the sight of God bonded each of us to the other for life.

Trust is like gravity – it prevents everything else from floating up in the air and dissolving or disintegrating.

 What is Trust?

Trust is a deeply held belief in the other person as someone who is always doing their best to be the best they can and will treat you in the same way.

 Without this foundational attitude toward each other everything else that happens between two people has to be held with some caution… and so any sort of commitment is always conditional.

Recently a statement caught my attention ‘Faith leads to hope which leads to love’.  What a tragedy that in our culture we always lead with love – such a temporary and undeveloped concept that at its root is vital and yet so confused with emotions and expectations and sex and affection and romance all of which have their moods!

How different it can be when TRUST is the foundation of a relationship.

Within Trust everything has a voice - a ground for discussion, creative thinking, compromise, changes of mind, differing priorities, and expectations – because within Trust everything can be owned and shared, from a safe place into a safe place, even if there are irreconcilable differences about particular issues.

 Within Trust completely new solutions can be experimented with, new directions taken, power issues resolved, suffering, disappointment even tragedy can be handled because at the basis of it all is a ground on which two people have learned to stand together, as they are, without having to sacrifice themselves as individuals.  All of each person is permitted and grist for the mill.

 

Within Trust old expectations, inherent issues from the families of origin, differing priorities about use of time and money, hopes for the future can all be on the agenda.

Within Trust tensions, anger, hidden agendas and unrecognised sacred cows can be brought to the surface.

 Within Trust the needs for extraversion and introversion, low energy and high energy, security and adventure, solitude and companionship, can find a balance that suits each person thus creating a unique and custom made relationship that suits and can continually be adapted as situations change.

 

With all the complexities that choosing to make a life with another person entails there is no greater value than TRUST which you can let your weight down into.  Such TRUST when well-practised will result in richness of life including the emergence of a lifelong LOVE.

 
Trust , then comes hope and love, but the first  of these is TRUST.

Inward and Outward - two essential paths

I receive a daily inspirational message 'Inward Outward' which emanates from the wonderful Church of the Saviour in Washingrton DC... the only church I know of anywhere that takes seriously and practically the Jesus Story with its invitation to everyone to embrace personal and group transformation.  This does not mean just  taking on the label 'Christian' but rather becoming wholly human as Jesus became wholly human and accepting its consequences.

This small church with wide ranging influence does not assume that such transformation takes place just by walking in their door.  They recognise that the invitation sounds fine but to undergo transformation is a life time process which needs support, challenge, inspiration, teaching and discipline.

We do not question such a challenging and life changing process for becoming a Doctor or an Olympian or an Opera Singer but to become a transformed human being living the one life to its full potential is often assumed to happen by walking through the door of the church or by going through some open dedication of ones life to Jesus/God after which anything one does can be called Christian.

No! They have programmes, groups, schools, missions, publications, but most importantly real human beings who are themselves undergoing the transformation they have agreed to undergo for their own sakes and for the benefit of wherever they are.

Focussing specifically on their small area of Washington to keep their essence strong and pure became a major necessity as they went along, but they have been able to reach wider into the world sharing their wisdom and insight through the internet... so even we, in far flung Australia, can get a taste each day to help us on our own journey of transformation.
www.inwardoutward.org/page/who-church-saviour

The above link will let you explore more if you are interested.  Encountering this church was such an affirmation of what I had always believed was what Jesus had in mind when he asked us to go out and be disciples...  Why are there not more of them? 

Maybe modern Christianity has become too soft and self centred and self satisfied and self righteous... too much part of a comfortable acceptable place in society instead of a radical voice, as Jesus was, calling to account the righteous!

The Swan

Rike's poem 'The Swan' has become a favourite of mine since being introduced to it by David Whyte in his book 'Crossing the Unknown Sea'... a terrific read for those looking for a new direction and courage to take it.

I hope you enjoy 'The Swan' as much as I do and can act on its wisdom..

This clumsy living that moves lumbering
as if in ropes through what is not done,
reminds us of the awkward way the swan walks.

And to die, which is the letting go
of the ground we stand on and cling to every day,
is like the swan, when he nervously lets himself down
into the water, which receives him gaily
and which flows joyfully under
and after him wave after wave,
while the swan, unmoving and marvellously calm,
is pleased to be carried, each moment more fully grown,
more like a king, further and further on.

The Joys of my Life

When I consider what brings me joy, at the top of my list, I find casual encounters with people I do not know  - where in some way we have touched the heart of our humanity and shared it.

My early morning visit to the Hydrotherapy Pool gave me this joy today.  In amongst a bunch of strangers all there bright and early to do what was needed to get their ageing bodies working again for the day I had several meaningful encounters...

Alice at least 85 shared with me the pleasure she gets from working as a Volunteer at the hospital in ICU despite having had a stroke and a knee reconstruction gone wrong. 

Mr Music (I don't know his name) commented on Thursday that watching  Jacqui and I as we both chatted and laughed face to face, while walking across the pool sideways exercising our hips and thigh muscles, reminded him of the song 'You are the sunshine of my smile'.  Those words have given me such warmth and confidence and joy in the days since then.

This morning I noticed him singing along with the music that was playing in the backgorund so we had a quick chat about the music and the pleasure it gives us.

Waved to Otto as he came in and later we had a long chat. He had wanted to buy a piece of the land where Buckland now is.  How small the world is sometimes... Mum and Dad were the beneficiaries of Mr Buckland not selling his land and bequesthing it to the Buckland trust to build the wonderful aged care facility where they went to live in 1990. Mum is still there at nearly 95, both she and Dad having been cared for at all three levels of the village - self care unit, hostel and nursing home.  Thank you Mr Buckland and thanks too to Mum and Dad for looking after themselves so well.  I could not have cared for them when they needed it.

The icing on the cake of joy was my chance to say thank you for being there to the Volunteer Gentleman who had opened the pool for us so we could continue our exercising and socialising while the staff are off duty.  He had opened a bit late and there was some tension in the air  - both within himself and within some of those of us kept waiting.  I was very aware of this so it was quite a natural thing for me,as I left to come home, to thank him and comment on how much I had enjoyed his choice of music. We had a short interchange about the music and he told me the next CD was to be Acker Bilk.

I left joyed up in body mind and soul.  What a luxury the Pool is - I feel like a film star with all that luxury around me.

On my drive home - less than 10 minutes right across town and almost no traffic - I was reflecting on the experience and realised something I had not ever verbalised so clearly before... I have no desire to do things FOR people but I LOVE doing things WITH people.  This short truth explains my whole life...

I was raised as a Christian ( and I love the Jesus story and the life it invites me to) but it seems to me that the only thing I was supposed to do as a result of being a Christian was to do things for other people.  So the realisation that I have no desire to do this came as a shock - surely it must be a SIN!

But instead of feeling guilty I sense a freedom... another lifting of the shroud of shame.

In 1990 I was told I had to find out the answer to the question 'What do I really want to do? and then start doing it ... but my assumption was that whatever I really wanted to do would be to do something FOR somebody.  Nothing ever turned up... I had no idea what I wanted to do.  With this morning's awakening the answer may well begin to emerge...'What do I want to do with people?' 

Maybe what I am already doing is the answer.  I am certainly enJOYing my involvement with the Choral Society, my Poetry Group and the Dancing Group...

I just wonder whether there is something I could be putting my gifts and talents into that will be of more good to the wider world...

Another joy is watching Qi and Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries - they both are top grade TV.

Thank you ABC...You too bring Joy into my life.

Now for a joyful weekend... the sun is shining, the washing drying, we are rich in food and comfort and time...

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

I am reminded of the poem 'Ithaca' by the poet Cavafy. 

Basically it suggests that our life goal 'Ithaca' is where we are heading... but to live well we need to totally immerse ourselves in the delights and the difficulties of every stage along the way.  When we reach our goal it may in fact not be all that exciting but what we have experienced along the way will have been well worth the journey.

Another poem from Cavarfy speaks to me of one of the most difficult parts of this journey.  It is called 'Walls'.

Walls

Without consideration, without pity, without shame
they have built great and high walls around me.

And now I sit here and despair.
I think of nothing else: this fate gnaws at my mind;

for I had many things to do outside.
Ah why did I not pay attention when they were building the walls.

But I never heard any noise or sound of builders.
Imperceptibly they shut me from the outside world.

Constantine P. Cavafy (1896)

It seems a lot of my 'voyage to Ithaca' has been about breaking through and knocking down walls that were righteously or helpfully constructed for me by people or institutions I trusted.  Perhaps the more difficult walls to dispose of are the ones I have built for myself while actually believing they were helping me reach my goal.

My recognition  of co-dependency was a Wall breaking experience.  In desperation one day I googled 'How do I escape from Codependency?
First on the list up came 'Escape Plan for codependents'. 
Thank you to  the Blogger who posted it.
I now say Google answers prayers quicker than God!

Studying all the typical codependent behaviours I had to admit that out of the 120 listed 80 of them fitted me, 90 of them I had been taught at church!  Even just reading them and knowing that they described how I lived in my world immediately released me from their power.  Since then it has been a case of acting in spite of what 'they tell me' to do or not do.  Almost immediately I began to have a sense of freedom in the way I behave amongst people.

Out in the world I am happier, more free and far more confident to let the world know me.
The shroud of shame I had worn for as long as I remember disappeared.

I have begun to find my place in the outside world even if at the moment it is a very small world.

The Journey Begins...

On my noticeboard I have pinned a message that contains these words 'A Swiss theologian, Hans Urs Von  Balthasar (1905-1988) said toward the end of his life all great thought springs from a conflict between two eventual insights:

• The wound which we find at the heart of everything is finally incurable
• Yet we are necessarily still driven to try

Think about that for an hour or so!'

Perhaps that is where wisdom is found.  Let's see where it takes me...